Things We Thought Lost
by Kogoro
Summary: Summary: It’s just one of those little eloquent oneshots I like to write with a simple storyline a plot bunny handed me in a dream. It’s about Snape and Lily and what happens one night where Snape finds out who Lily is thinking of…


**A/N This was a little one-shot I started to write the night I finished Deathly Hallows, so bear with me if I got the grammar wrong, kay? ****And if you don't like Lily x Snape, then you should probalby turn around now and get outta here. On the other hand, if you're unsure, I would very much like it if you proceeded, because you might just be converted :)  
**

**Disclaimer: Well… I don't own anything you recognize, though I made up the storyline and the little OC-kid in it.**

**Summary: ****It's just one of those little eloquent oneshots I like to write with a simple storyline a plot bunny handed me in a dream. It's about Snape and Lily and what happens one night where Snape finds out who Lily is thinking of…**

* * *

**Things We Thought Lost**

He didn't know how long he'd been walking down that path, but when he'd first lain eyes upon her, he knew he'd get lost. From the first day he'd seen her make magic, he knew that something extraordinary would happen. From the very first moment she'd spoken to him, accusing him ignorantly for being rude, he knew that he didn't want to miss out on anything she did. And for the very first time since that faithful day on the playground with Lily and her muggle sister, he really wished that he wasn't always that smart.

Trees glimmered threateningly towards him in the pale light of his wand as he tread his path clumsily, breaking twigs and rustling leaves with shaking footsteps and a panting breath, easily matching his sped heartbeat. There where sounds in the night, shadows that floated past high branches, as lifelike as him telling himself that they where mere illusions, tricks of the eye. But Filch's stories kept floating back to him, through his mind they flooded his thoughts and tightened in his stomach, telling him of how children used to be let out into the forest all alone, left with only their wand to help and guide them. With distaste in his mouth, he remembered just how most of those children's fates where dismally ended. Many unknown things lived in this place, earning the location with its rightful name. Both dark and horrifying, they where thoughts in his head that blew into fantastical creatures. Creatures that could break his spine like the twigs he helplessly snapped underneath his feet. If he hadn't felt so attached to **her** he wouldn't have been out here tonight. If he'd never seen her twirling that flower in her hand that day on the playground, he could have been lying on his bed in the dungeons of Hogwarts, reading and scribbling away in his _Advanced Potionmaking, _blissfully unaware that she'd ever come to Hogwarts, unaware of the fact that she had gone over the limb on this one.

Suddenly he froze, bead-like eyes frantically searching the darkness and as a reflex he whispered, "_Nox", _and the wandlight ebbed out. Darkness engulfed him like a blanket as he adjusted to this new situation, letting his eyes fine-tune so he could see through the night. In the back of his mind he thought idly, that no light could help him from here on, and with renewed stealth and a feeling of being one with the ground and the darkness, his breath slowed and he inched on, taking careful steps still further and further into the deep unknown.

* * *

_The Great Hall__ was more silent than usual he thought as he looked down one length of the table he sat at, and looked down the other. _

"_And we'll definitely have to talk to Professor Slughorn about those antidotes, because I've looked through the theories, but even though I try to make sense of it, it still ends with making no sense at all… Sev? Are you even listening to me?" Lily asked from the other side of the table, shaking him from his thoughts. _

"_What… That's great Lils," he said, sneering at some second years looking at them awkwardly. When he turned to face her she looked irritated. "Well? What do you think we should do?" _

"_About what?"_

_She sighed and shut the book that had lain open in front of her. "Antidotes!" she exclaimed, looking at him expectantly. "Well, we could start out with Felix Felicis, but you always complain about handling the Ashwinder Eggs, and I would have preferred the Doxycide, but I remember you saying that you didn't like the thought of using extract from the Doxyes, so… What is it?" he asked, looking at her angry glare. Lily glared at him for about a second more before she reached over and hit him on the head. "You make it sound like I don't have the stomach for Potions, and I would have you know, Slughorn thinks I'm one of the most talented witches he's ever seen!"_

_He sighed loudly and said, __"He thinks __**we **__are some of the most talented students he's ever had Lily and I wasn't telling lies was I?" That struck Lily silent, because they both knew she had issues with touching certain stuff. It had just never been brought up before, because he was used to it by now, that he had that automated response to just do the things she didn't like to do. Severus looked up at her face and seeing her sad reaction, he immediately felt bad and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. _

"_Lily, you know you're not the only one who hates Ashwinder Eggs, they're impossible to handle if you don't have extra thick gloves on…" he said and awaited her reaction with a little dread. She took a while to look up at him but when she did; she rewarded him with a smile before turning back to her "Advanced Potionmaking". _

_Severus let his hand fall back to his side and looked around the Great Hall. Very few students actually stayed at the school during the Christmas Holidays, but Severus was one of the few who __were allowed to stay, seeing as his situation back home wasn't one Dumbledore would let him stay in. He was used to being there alone by now, studying and walking the secluded halls alone, but then it struck him; the Christmas break had begun yesterday and early that morning all the students had returned to their families, so why hadn't Lily gone home to Privet Drive 13 to be with her own family? He looked at her with wonder and saw that even though she had a relaxed composure, she looked tired, strained and she hadn't combed her hair, a thing she always did. It did not make her any less pretty in Severus' mind, but it didn't go unnoticed either. _

"_Lily? Didn't you get a letter from your sister the other day…?" he asked, thinking about how her eyes had seemed oddly detached after she'd read it. Lily looked up from her book with surprise. "Why do you ask?"_

"_Oh, nothing… I was just wondering if she was the reason you didn't go home for Christmas…" he said very slow, very unsure. He was right to feel that way when she slammed the book shut and moved away from him with a fierce glare. "That is absolutely none of your business Severus. You really should know better than to ask me such personal stuff and what Tuney writes in her letters!"_

"… _So something is wrong, isn't it?" he asked very carefully. Lily held a hand to her mouth and mumbled curses into it. "There's no need to tell me if you don't want to. I was just wondering why you were here, with me…"_

_The comment made Lily glance over at his earnest face and she removed her hand and slid closer to him. She moved close enough for him to see the glimmer of tears on her eyelashes. Suddenly he thought she looked very sad._

"_It's just… Tuney's been sending these nice letters, but even though she says that she misses me, she can't hide that she actually hates me. My sister hates me. She hates me, you, this school and what we learn here. I think it's because I once promised her that she could come with me and we would learn magic together, but she hasn't shown any signs of magic yet, and she should've by now, but she just hasn't. I don't think she can cope with the fact of being a mere muggle…" _

_Lily put her face in the book and let her arms hang by her side. Severus could only look at her. He thought about that little jealous brat and couldn't really sympathize with her. She was very different from Lily, almost the opposite. Sometimes he couldn't even believe that Lily could be related to such a muggle. It didn't make him think less of her, but he felt closer to her in some way, since she didn't have it easy herself. _

"_Lily, she's jealous, but she'll just have to live with it. If she really loved you, she wouldn't say such things to you and even when she does, you shouldn't listen to it," Severus said, trying to cheer her up, because he always felt uncomfortable when she was as sad as she was now. _

"…_I know it's true, and I can't forgive her for asking mom and dad to make me stay here just because she say's she can't be in the same house as me!" Lily hit the table hard, startling Severus for a moment, before he realized what she'd said. He started, "That is unforgivable, but you know, it means you can stay here with me…" _

_Lily lifted her head so he could see her smile. "Why do you stay here during Christmas break?"_

_Severus shook his head and just replied, "Mom and dad broke up. Dumbledore thinks it's better for me to stay." They were silent for some time after the comment and Severus was just about to excuse himself because of the embarrassing silence, when Lily surprised him by putting a hand on his shoulder. "What a sad couple we make huh?" she said and they both nodded in unison. Severus could see her cheer up as she sat straight again and wiped away her tears. He turned back to his book when he heard her mumble, "Maybe next year I'll ask Dumbledore to let me stay behind too…"_

* * *

Something nearby caught his attention, as he slowly slid behind a tree, draping his back around it as if thinking his worst fear where circling the tree itself. He stood still, trying to focus on the faint noise, but couldn't make out what it was. Without a sound he peaked, looking past the wooden log to find something silvery in the distance, drawing closer and closer. Drawing back behind the tree, he lost control of his breath, steadying his wand with sweaty hands and an impatient mind as to end what he had started.

It seemed as if time stood still, as he found it hard to hear the creature nearing as his own heartbeat drummed loudly in his ears. And just when he thought he couldn't wait in this darkness anymore, he drew away from the tree, facing the creature head on, wand raised over his head and ready to throw a hex at it. He uttered the words, "_Incendi-"_when the wand stopped on its own accord. There was nothing to attack, except for the silver-white doe, moon-bright and dazzling, picking her way over the ground. Still silent, she stepped towards him, her beautiful head with its wide, long-lashed eyes held high. With the clear and melodic voice he'd come to crave, it broke the glorified silence and stained the beauty of the doe by saying, "You git, I told you not to follow me… Follow me"

The doe vanished between the black trees, her brightness fading as he set after her, pocketing his wand and feeling a little better, now that he knew that **she **was safe.

* * *

"_You've never been much of a flier, have you Sev?" Lily asked him, looking curiously from the library window, down upon other students during Quidditch practice. She glanced over at him as he regarded her shortly. "Neither have you, Lils," he said sardonically. "No, I like to keep my feet rooted to the ground. There's so much more to do on ground than you'd think," she said, more to herself than him really, but he wasn't paying enough attention. _

_She sighed mockingly, "Maybe I should just focus my time on__ Herbology instead…" and swiftly heard the smack of a book being closed and a chair being pushed back. _

_She turned to find Severus much closer then she'd expected, him standing next to her, looking out of the same window with a view out on the Quidditch field. A moment of silence went by. "You don't mean that," he said, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. He looked up at her with an intense gaze. "Who'd be my Potions partner then? You'd take time to replace," he said, a little smile forming on his lips. Lily looked affronted. "You don't seriously think anyone could __**replace**__ me, Sev?" _

_His smile grew bigger as he admitted that it would be impossible. She gave him a dazzling smile and kissed him on the cheek, walking over to the study table and resumed reading her discarded book. Severus touched his cheek tenderly and looked out the window once more, seeing the glimmer of the last sunshine, shooting golden beams over the mountainside and into the lake, sending a soft shimmer of light to colour his face. He turned to look at Lily, already deep in the pages of the book. Stepping away from the window, the last rays of the sun stained her red locks golden, and he felt warm just by the sight of it. "Severus Snape, preparing for our O.W.L's isn't going to work with you staring at me," she said matter-of-factly, without even looking up and just knowing what he was doing by knowing him. He went over to sit on the other side of the table and picked up where he'd let of, but before he could plunge into the depths of the book, he heard Lily whisper under her breath, "You'd be impossible to replace too…"_

* * *

The doe stopped all of the sudden, turning her head to look at him once more, and before he could rush forward to catch it, it had vanished into the darkness, and he was once more left alone. He sighed as he felt the fear cover him again and he drew his wand. "_Lumos!"_ and the tip of his wand revealed the same scenario as before, but this time he could hear rustling close by. His breath hitched involuntarily as he focused his eyes on one specific tree, his imagination running wild again as a dragon could appear from behind- "Booh!" the redhead shouted, jumping from behind the tree he'd scrutinized just the moment before. He stood quite still, looking at her with a slightly bored expression. "You lured me deep into the Forbidden Forest just to jump at me from behind a tree?" he asked, retracting his wand, ignoring the smug grin on Lily's face.

"You dolt," she shook her head and continued, "I didn't invite you because of the romantic setting. I actually have something I wanted to show you…!" She grabbed one of his hands as they made their way through the forest. This was obviously known territory for her since she sped through the brushwood, but Snape was a thousand paces behind, hanging on only by her hand. He was about to whisper loudly at her, since they **where** in the Forbidden Forest, but he was also wondering vaguely what she'd meant with there being a romantic setting?

Suddenly there was light everywhere around them, and Snape's eyes narrowed at first because of the loss of eyesight, but as his pupils focused, his eyes proceeded to get very wide indeed. The little clearing had a clear access to the night sky, but no moonlight shone tonight, but it didn't relieve him at all. The words **romantic setting** had suddenly gotten a new meaning because the lights came from floating candles, six feet up in the air, casting a gentle light downwards onto them. Suddenly Snape could hear his heart beat in his ears and as a result, he jerked his hand from Lily's. She didn't even look back at him, but proceeded to walk over to the widest tree trunk in the clearing.

He looked around, distracted by the calm surreal atmosphere that flowed through the place, like it was a cocooned atmosphere, not much related to what was happening on the outside, out in the forest. Even the silence was serene he realised as there was a significant lack of trees rustling their leaves in the midnight breezes, there was no voices of animal life or anything protruding the boundaries of the clearing. He turned in a circle, taking in the surroundings, the lights, the night sky until his eyes ended where they'd started. Lily was looking at him silently and with his extensive knowledge on girl matters related to his friend, he knew that she was sad. His heartbeat sped up further and dimmed the trail of thought he'd been on. He could only look at her crouched position.

"Sev, why are you looking so nervous?" He didn't answer. "It's not like Potter and Black are gonna jump out and attack us. We're too far in for them to just stumble on us."

When she talked about something else, he felt some ease, because she was venturing further away from what he thought she'd want to say to him. He let his hands rest on his hips, giving her a sideway's glance. "If Potter and Black where to jump out, they would attack me, not you," he said, eyeing her reaction intently. He really didn't want her to give him the wrong response for that. "Sev, that might be, and I know Potter's got a thing about me, but I can honestly say that I hate that idiot's guts, so can we just give that a rest." He smiled at that, but the corners of his mouth went down again when he noticed her crestfallen face.

"I said I wanted to show you something…" she said and stood from her crouched position. She moved a little to the side, showing Severus what had obstructed his vision before. In front of the wide tree trunk was something resembling a shrine of some sort. Severus came nearer to see the shrine in detail, and Lily's presence was momentarily forgotten. The shrine was made of stacked embers, leaning on the tree. The surface was covered with an old sheet, discoloured by weather and nature, but still clean, but what caught his attention was the small picture on the top. He first noticed that it had been taken with a non-magical camera, because the person in the picture didn't move at all, just stood silent in that one moment of happiness that had been caught with a flash of light. Secondly he noticed that it was a picture of a small boy, so small he had yet to have teeth in the smile he gave on the picture, but the top of his head was covered with snips of red hair and green eyes, **green eyes. **

Then it hit him like being thunderstruck, it was a family member of Lily's. He looked to the side, watching Lily as she sat down in a crouched position once more. He followed suit, looking at her with questioning eyes.

* * *

"_No Sev, it's like this," Lily said impatiently as she'd already foreseen what would have happened, as if she'd be able get an A in her Divination lessons, and she snatched the canvas from the chair it had landed on when it had pummelled through the length of the room. She went back and put it in front of Severus, who was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. She sat down beside him, taking a deep breath as if she was preparing to say something for the umpteenth time. _

_"If I could teach this to that silly little first year, you of all people can do it too. Now, close your eyes. And try to feel the distance. You know it's not far, but it's too far for you to touch the canvas. Now, imagine that you wanna paint something, fill out the empty space on the surface. Imagine a picture in your head, a bridge, a brook, a tree. __Hold that picture in your head as you search out the details of it. What colours are there in it? Now, when you have that picture in your head, reach forward with your mind as you would reach forward with your hand, and try to imagine the details occurring on the surface on the canvas, and take your time with the details. Just try to do it very slowly, and the canvas won't blow away like it did the last time…"_

_And with that, there came a huge blow and the canvas pummelled through the air, but this time, it didn't land against a wall or chair, but flew right out the window. Severus opened his eyes with a smile, like it was the direction he'd meant it to fly. "You know Lils, I think my aim is getting better." Lily looked at him with apparent anger. "You know, whenever you wanna teach me something, at least I try!" she said and stood up, going over to the window to look out. Severus looked at her with a smirk, his black eyes almost dancing with glee. It was rarely that he won an argument and tired her off. "And you succeed, most of the time," he said, also standing up. _

"_But you don't! It's like you think you're to good to do the spells I try to teach you. Like you're afraid that you're gonna hurt my feelings and just stoop to my level," she said after turning to face him. The smirk and the glee disappeared as his face turned grim by the direction this conversation had taken. "Look Lil's, I'm not trying to spare you, and you're not bad at spells, you're very good. And as for a decided level, then you're not below me in any way, because… well, you're you," he said. He thought he'd just made the perfect excuse if you didn't count the little rhetorical pause he'd taken, but he was painfully mistaken – her eyes still sparked._

"_Well, why don't you do it then? Whatever picture you have in your head right now, just paint it on the damn canvas if you can!" she said, conjuring up a new canvas without as much as looking, her glare completely settled on Severus. He was somewhat taken aback by her outburst, shifting his gaze at her and then at the canvas. Even though he was quite sure that such a childish spell could be done quite easily, he was still wary of doing it for reasons unknown to her. As she kept staring at him, he was just about to do it, because of the sheer intensity her gaze cold hold, but he restrained himself, afraid of the consequences. Warily he met her gaze, trying to look sympathetic. _

_"I'm sorry Lil's, I can't."_

_He thought it would make her anger disappear, but it didn't and he somehow understood that she knew why he didn't just do what she said. It was because he was hiding something from her and it angered her because they never kept secrets, they'd share them and keep them secret for everyone else. Lily sighed, shook her head once and went past, hitting his shoulder as he didn't try to follow. He heard the door shut behind him and suddenly felt very much alone, like some part of him was missing. He closed his eyes, imagined the canvas and the picture he always held in his head, like some sacred object and he imagined the colours appearing on the canvas. It took time, but he knew that the detail of the picture he was painting was crucial. _

_When he finally opened his eyes, he was looking into her green eyes. They weren't angry but… they where like her eyes whenever she sat crouched over a book, whenever she protected Severus from the pranks of Potter and Black, whenever she was conducting a spell as if she'd memorised the damn book, whenever she was settled beside a potion in the making, or whenever she turned around to look at him after a long silence with him staring at her. She'd get this look in her eyes and it was one of his favourites, the look that made him fall in love with her. He took one last look at her, and with a resigned sigh, he turned to look out the window, for a moment forgetting the feelings he couldn't show in her presence. _

* * *

"It's my kid brother Sev. He died before his second birthday. I was only two months old at the time, and I can't remember him. I'm not sure I ever even saw him, and I don't think Tuney's ever heard of him either" Lily said, fingering the linen, staring at the photograph. "His name was Leo, and he was Mum and Dad's first child, but he died of leukaemia, and after he was gone, they never talked about him, to me, my sister or anyone else. It was almost as if he'd never existed."

Lily took a small moment. Severus couldn't quite fathom what she was talking about. It might not even be because she'd kept a secret from him. He knew he had to feel something, but he couldn't quite understand it, relate to it until he saw the single tear sliding down Lily's cheek. She turned away to dry it off when she felt that her eyes had betrayed her, but he'd still seen it.

"And then, one day I was up on the attic. It was raining outside and Tuney suddenly remembered that she had a toy up there she wanted to play with, so she made me get it, and I found it. I took it down to her, but then I didn't want to play with her so I went up to the attic again. I guess I was just curious as to what Mum and Dad had up there, and I was looking through this endless pile of old newspapers and unopened letters from the bank, and I found this birth certificate. I was dusting of a letter when it fell into my lap, and there it was. Born July 1959, Leo Dursley Evans. I even found the year of death on a note that was taped on the bottom. He was only little over a year old before he died. He'd already been sick before he was born, premature birth of course, and I had never heard of him Sev. Not once."

She was looking at him now, and Severus had no idea what he should say. "It's just weird y'know. One day you're wishing you had a kid brother, the next day you find out you had one but he died and was forgotten." Severus still didn't say anything out of fear of saying something stupid.

"I didn't even hate them. I don't even hate them after so many years. It just makes me miss them more, because all the things that they are, they can be forgotten, and if they're not here anymore, who will remember them? And I don't remember Leo even though he's family, and I don't wanna forget him or the others. I don't wanna wake up one day and forget what made them special, because it's too easy just to forget, and if I let myself do it, I know I will," Lily said, keeping eye contact with Severus throughout her entire speech. Finally she looked down. Severus scrutinized her face in the fading candlelight, seeing her eyes water with tears waiting to be shed.

"That's why I come here every year to honour his memory and to make myself not forget…"

* * *

**Fragment of a journal entry made in Lily Evans' secret journal, which is one of the few secrets she kept from her friend:**

_Hello diary, it's just me again. There's nothing new to tell, but I did want to tell you about Severus Snape, my best and most loyal friend. He was the one who first showed me magic, and he's very talented with a wand though I can't praise him that much when he's on a broomstick, but I'__m not that good either. _

_I don't understand what so many people have against him, because he's not a bad person just because he's a Slytherin, and who says that Slytherin is so bad at all. Most people I've met have been different, but they're not evil like most people would say, just look at Sev. He's always helping me with my studying, and he's always there when I'm sad of being so far from home, He's always there when I need him. To make me serious, to make me laugh or to just prank together. We're a team and in Potions we're invincible together. Though he'd never admit aloud, he's far better than me, but I can give him suggestions and he actually listens to them, treats me like I'm an equal. That's one of the things I like most about him. That he's so different from the others. Not like the giddy girls in my dormitory, not like those prats Potter and Black. He's just like me, and when we're together, I don't feel like I don't belong, because I can be myself when I'm with him. _

_It's just so sad that nobody can see past the emblem, because I never watch the emblem. I can see past that. I've never even understood the people who have bad things to say about him because I can see the boy on the inside, I can see the boy inside that never gets a chance. I see a boy who I know will become something grand when he passes his O.W.L.S. because he's so talented. I guess you could say that I wish only good things for him and I hope that he will be my best friend forever. Hehe, we'd make a great pair wouldn't we?_

_I hope to write in you soon diary, but until then, I'll likely be studying. With Sev!_

_Lily _:)

* * *

Severus was considering many things at that moment, but it was like his world was in slow motion. He wondered if he should reach forward to dry her tears with his hand, but she did before he decided, and then he wondered if he should say anything, but she said something before he decided.

"I've been promising myself everyday that I will not forget anymore."

Finally he wondered if he should try to hug her, because his silence was becoming deafening, but once again, she made the move before he decided. She fell forwards in her crouched position, and having her that close to him, made him somehow come to his senses, made him understand her situation, and though he was sad for her, a part of him was still happy that he was more than her Potions partner, because she was all he had, and with her showing him this last, great secret of hers, he felt that he was also all that she had. He put his own arms around her and took short note of the vanishing candlelight.

"Thank you for showing me Lily, I won't forget you either."

The candlelight faded and the moon shone through.

* * *

**A/N Wow, don't you just love how ironic these stories sound like? I especially love the last line where he says that he's not going to forget her, and he never did. He lived all his life just for her. And then for some personal critique; The part where Lily tries to surprise him by appearing from behind the tree was originally meant to end with Snape shrieking, making them both cower in the darkness, but I just can't imagine a person like him screaming, but if you want me to change it, then tell me so in a review ****and I will ;D **

**I reallyhad to write this to get plot bunnies of my head, so perhaps now I can continue with my other stories, thank you very much! Those plot bunnies never cease coming now do they?**

**Love and kisses**

**Kogoro ;)**


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